Job Hunting during the pandemic is a journey where I fight my imposter syndrome

Retrospect to March 2020, I had just been to New York City for half a year, and there I was: attending a career fair in J school, where I was also criticized by my instructor then, questioning me “Why don’t you bring resume paper copies with you? Is this your first time attending a career fair?” And yes it is, It’s my first time attending a career fair where I was satisfied with several name cards from big broadcasting companies and didn’t know what I’m going to confront.

Back to my first actual job when I finished my undergrad, I was referred by a close friend of mine, the interview went smooth and I started working in a company as the most valuable unicorn which everyone on the earth knows right now, however, it’s a startup back in 2018. That’s my impression on job hunting then: quick, easy and once you are good enough, there’s nothing you need to worry about. I was struggling between big tech or cool companies like T Magazine in China where I need to take the salary into account the most.

But starting from 2020, everything changed, I was still looking forward to normal school life but was told at the end of the semester everything will be remote, and possibly permanent until my graduation. No actual physical interactions which mean most strong ties are not strong enough as they should be before the pandemic. List of jobs on the flyers from those companies whose recruiters I talked to on-hold their positions, those who finished their hiring process cancel the plan when a remote workplace is hard to imagine. By the end of 2020, I was the only Chinese student who chose to stay in the states. By the middle of 2021, I might be the only international student who stays in the states except those who pursue a Ph.D. program.

I didn’t know the difference between Linkedin and handshake then, and couldn’t estimate the right job opening number for the job market. That’s why when I returned to Linkedin several months ago, and found companies I had never seen on the job page before having position open and the number at the top of the filter is 100 or 1000 times of which I saw in 2020 and was shocked that finally New York or The states is actually a “land of opportunities” which I couldn’t imagine or believe in last year.

But still, with the fear of leaving a blank of my resume or losing my beat for an all-remote environment, I began job hunting for internships.

I started my Linkedin Networking in July 2020, and I analyzed the consequence including acceptance rate and retention rate, just like what I did in my previous job. Usually, in the 1000 people who I sent connection request to, 500 of them will accept my friend requests, 300 of them will reply when they received my in-mail messages, 150 of them will usually schedule calls or zoom chats while others prefer just messaging because of the bandwidth or other reasons, 100 of them after receiving my email for zoom calls or calls will actually land on a call at the end, 70 of them will talk to me more than 15 minutes including mutual introductions, 50 of them will talk more than 30 minutes, 25 of them will talk to me a second time, no matter text or call or in-person, and 10 of them will actually reply message after all this, and with maybe 1 or 2 of them, we can build a relationship like friends, including frequent conversations of job hunting. These are approximate data, I even can not compare if this is a better situation or not, the retention rate and acceptance rate increase when my connection increase, but I don’t have a standard to compare to.

Even while not all networking is related to an opportunity, I have heard countless stories that are inspiring. Some of the quotes I wrote them down, when depressed or tired, I picked them up and try to etch the concept in my head: “job hunting is about tenacity and get rejected repetitively but still onward” Which is eyeopening and exercise my spirituality. But there are still discouraging moments, When I talk to someone who said job hunting is a number’ game and reminded me to send more than 50 applications and when I open my folder on Macbook, staring at my more than 200 versions of resumes and 100 versions of cover letters and didn’t know what to say. There must be a scapegoat in these circumstances, while I’m the only one to be blamed and the imposter syndrome appeared.

During my job hunting for three seasons, I got interviews from some great companies which I thought only my NYU degree brought me. While people advised me or discouraged me that there should always be a backup plan or I should spend all my time on work of portfolio instead of networking, I reply with an assertion that I don’t want to plan for the failure and networking is also part of the skills.

Since fall 2020, I have had internship experience that will be the fortune of my life where I learned so much and become a mature human being, without which I will still hold an unrealistic idealism for the industry without an insider insight. Several questions I frequently raised for myself are

1. Is this easy/hard, or you are just underestimating/overestimating it
2. Do I really have the talent for my co-workers or my supervisor to really value me or they are just being kind?
3. When there is a discordance that is particularly limited to yourself, does that mean you are the black sheep, you are not good enough, or you just don’t have that thing to hold onto to one simple job

In all my internships, nearly all my peers are American or at least native English speakers, I never questioned my language skills but I questioned my background so frequently that I can always recall one of my Chinese friends who is working in London now telling me about her first internship: “I was creating problems.” that sound keep humming in the background.

The Imposter Syndrome can be typical for East Asian, especially woman, where I have the idea most of the valuable things I got today is “just about dumb luck”. When we are job hunting, we aim high, we land on something which we thought we are so capable of, but still feel there are so much to learn, which I found is a healthy emotion, but can be discouraging when you back again to the job portal and try to aiming high again. And you found you didn’t remain the same, and is traumatized by the experience, wherein those unpaid internships, you sometimes overworked, you got phone calls on the weekend, you try to create something or some value but was told all the attempts were shut down because you are not good enough, even no one said the exact word “you are not good enough” they only show you with the action. It feels just like love life, you fell in love with someone who makes your heart pounding not as much as the potential other but you still get hurt after you succeed in persuading yourself: “this is the feeling of entering into a real adult world, fell in love with someone who makes your heart pound less comparing to others.” but still cannot help questioning will it work out at the same time. But the feeling is universal, not just in the States, but also in China, in Europe, in chitchats, I found my friend as a full-time publisher frequently said: “our interns did 50% of the work for us and hooray for them.”

I have peers who are coding or doing data work whose work has exclusive and concrete requirements with keywords that are identified and scanned by the ATS(applicant tracking system), they frequently post “I feel prestige, and thanks for the support of my peers and my boss.” I have to say I envy them.

“You should be able to handle rejections.” “When you are rejected, you should learn and react.” ; “Make your time worthwhile in job hunting, don’t do the meaningless wide application.” “Job hunting is a number’s game.”; “Be active, Be proactive.” “don’t act desperate, it drags you down and makes you weak.”; All these sounds were humming in the background, they are all right and they can be all wrong. Finally, I found myself, crying, and getting startled while clicking on the mouse and so afraid to see rejections, see new job postings, and have PTSD when I wrote a new cover letter.

Once I was scammed by a company in a key timing of my visa process, my friend who is working at a Private Equity try to drag me out of the victim narrative and persuade me that this is a typical Pyramid scheme which the company must have played multiple time and there’s no need to make myself be blamed. But back to real life when things are out of the rail, and no matter taking an action or blaming without doing anything won’t work, there’s still a moment that you blame yourself. You are smart, and you will be loved and personal growth have nothing to do if you failed an interview and you cannot be defined by your job, Life coaches said that, Youtuber with millions follower said that, Linkedin feature writer said that, but you know you are still massively defined by your job, deep in your soul, or what should you be defined by?

For a better mindset and psychological state, I have a therapist and a coach, they continuously lead me to a new cognitive level of the world I live in, I repetitively received different advice from different people, I believed in Zodiac and psychics followingly, checking co-star as often as Linkedin. Susan Miller is good friend or an even better one than recruiters from dream companies, but that works just as pain-killers but it won’t last long.

Until now, my narrative exposed some of my problems, I overthink and doubt more than assert. People recognized those problems, they keep those to themselves and remain silent, reacting correspondingly with a subtle difference. Harvard Business Review told me to “stop telling women they have imposter syndrome”, which is more positive than I expected when they try to demonstrate “Fix Bias, not women”. but the opinion is ideal enough that in real-life, we, women will still blame all these experiences to imposter syndrome when the external world has nothing to blame conceptually.

In the end, I questioned myself, there’s are so many narratives on Linkedin about job hunting, they are bitter-sweet but they are positive in the end. So how should I end mine, should I borrow a happy ending from elsewhere, where there is a rainbow after the rain or should I make mine an open ending that there are still possibilities to soothe me and everyone like me in this world. It inspiring to hear “Hang in there”, but there’s no control bar in real life where you don’t know where is the end.